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2005-03-08 - 1:39 p.m.

Why am I an idiot?

1. I can't necessarily remember my phone numbers. So when I call people while working and have to leave a voicemail, I have a tendancy to write my own phone number down on my notepaper so that I don't forget it mid-sentence and sound like an idiot. I mean, I am one, but do people I work with need to know that?

2. My dog likes to work to get his food. He could have a dish full of food, but would rather eat the exact same food after getting it out of his Buster Cube. So we often take empty plastic bottles (two liters usually) and put some food and a treat in it, poke a couple of holes in it, and give it to him right before we leave the house. But then when I leave a half-full water bottle on my bedside table, he sees it and thinks, "Ooohh! They must have left me something really good in there!" He then opens it and pours water all over the sheets so that when I get in bed that night I'm treated to wet sheets and an empty water bottle under the covers.

3. I take my photos to the Osco and the creepy photo developing lady says, "Oh, you went to Arizona?" Odd. I know that they might have to look at my pictures, but itsn't it common courtesy to at least pretend that she isn't horning in on my private life? Then I go to Osco again because I don't learn from my Creepy Alarm that keeps going off and I end up with waterstained photos. So not only are they creepy, they're also inept.

No movies for me, thanks.

I am not and never have been much of a movie person. For example, behold a normal conversation between me and a friend:

Me: "Yeah, I hate movies. Especially scary movies."

Friend: "This movie isn't scary! There's no blood!"

Me: "Is there suspense?"

Friend: "Umm... yeah. But it's not scary."

Me: "I don't mind blood. I can watch shows about surgeries and other blood-spurting but not suspensful things. But does anyone/thing jump out at you? Or make you surprised at all?"

Fried: "Well, I guess so. A little."

Me: "Then it's scary. Did you think 'Jurassic Park' was scary?"

Friend: "Not really."

Me: "I saw it in 1993 when it first came out and horrible nightmares for years. Guess when my last nightmare was. No really, guess."

Friend: "Umm... I don't know -- 5 years later?"

Me: "Nope -- 2004."

Friend: "Okay, so maybe you shouldn't watch this movie."

Yup, that's right. I had graduated from college, gotten married, had real health insurance and bills and I woke up terrified because I thought a tyrannosaurus was chasing me up a pile of empty cardboard boxes. I love my brain.

And it's not just pretend monster movies. My husband is fascinated by those crime shows that go through the forensic stuff and how they find evidence and catch serial killers and such. So he watches them after I'm asleep because he knows I'll complain if I have to listen to them while I'm awake. But then the following will happen:
1. I'll have a dream involving someone making a lampshade out of human skin.
2. I'll mention it to my husband.
3. He'll look guilty.
4. He'll say, "Well, I thought you were asleep so I was watching a thing on this serial killer guy..."
6. I'll have even more vivid bad dreams the next night about a guy killing me and making me into a lampshade and then cutting bits off and gnawing on them.

So yeah, I avoid movies.

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