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2005-03-10 - 12:43 p.m.


I've been having many more run-ins than usual with security guards lately. And here's what I have to say:

F. Y. M.

Seriously. I realize that they're doing their job. And that buildings that house government offices need to have more security especially now. But I've had far too many experiences with them that lead me to believe they suspect me of being a high-ranking official in the Al-Quaeda organization. Or maybe Hamas. I'm not sure which, but they definitely want to stop me from entering the building.

A few months ago, they changed their policy. The conversation went like so:
Me: *Walks through holding out my security badge*
Fat Jerk Security Guard: "Hey, contractors have to go through the metal detector."
Me: *Confused since had never had to go through metal detector* "Oh, is that a new policy?"
FJSG: "No." *stares blankly*
Me: "Umm... Okay."

So I had been using the metal detector and sending my huge bag sometimes with laptop case and purse through the x-ray machine at least 3-4 times a week.

Backstory for conversation number two: I had given some work friends bottles of homebrewed beer and one of them returned the bottle to me one day. Since if you want more beer from me, you had better give me the bottle back. Bottles aren't free, you know. Beeyotch. So anyway, I had the empty bottle in my bag, sent it through the x-ray, and the guy made me take it out and show it to him. Then he sent me on my merry way since he must not have been to worried about me going psycho, busting up the bottle, and going after clients. Then a month or so later another coworker gives me a bottle back and the following ensues:
Me: *Puts bags and coat on x-ray conveyor belt, walks through metal detector*
Short Jerk Security Guard: "Is there a bottle in that bag? You'll need to show it to me."
Me: "Okay" *Opens bag, hands guy empty glass bottle*
SJSG: "You're going to have to take this outside. You can't have beer bottles in the building."
Me: "But it's empty. And I'm just carrying it home so I can use it for homebrewing." *Thinking "What the hell? They sell glass bottles in the little convenience store upstairs?"*
SJSG: "Well, you can't have glass bottles here. Either throw it out or take it outside."
Me: *Throws it hard into the garbage, tries not to say anything else, wonders just what they thought would be doing with empty glass bottle*

And there are more. A week doesn't go by when I'm not subjected to some indignity -- perhaps I'll set off the alarm with my shoes because it's insanely sensitive and have to lift up the bottom of my pants to prove I don't have a gun strapped to my ankle. Another favorite is the weird-ass jokes they make that I'm not sure are jokes at all:
FJSG: "Did you have a cell phone with you?"
Me: "Yeah, did it fall out?"
X-ray Machine: *pushes cell phone out next to my purse*
Moustached Jerk Security Guard: "Yeah, it fell out over there on the ground, see?"
Me: "Huh?" *grabs stuff, walks away*

The moral of the story: FYM, yo.

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