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2005-03-15 - 9:20 a.m.

I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!

LOOK at the the adorable adoptable animals (geez, alliterate much?) I managed to put into my diary! HTML, kiss my ass! Well, no. I lied. I still can't figure out my image map side links nor can I move my links a few lines down so everything isn't rightontopofeachother. But I can fill out a form on, copy the code, and paste it in! Beeyotch!

Sorry. A little carried away. But aren't the dogs just so adorable? My beautiful dog was adopted from Chicago Animal Care & Control (a.k.a. the city pound) and I have no idea what life would be like without him. I just keep hitting refresh to see what cute picture will come up next.

Speaking of The Monster

On our walk this morning, we encountered both a cat and a squirrel. Doesn't sound so bad? Just a kitty and a cute rodent, right?

"DIE CAT DIE," said my dog. Loudly. Walking down the street at 6:30am. I'm so sorry, fellow Bridgeport residents! The cat was lying behind a wrought-iron fence (thanks, Mayor Daley and your cronies!) with its paws tucked underneath its chest. About 8 inches from the fence and a frantic dog who was entirely convinced that the safety of future generations of humanity depended on his killing the cat. Or just barking at it and driving it away. So I walked away calmly, dragging 75 lbs. of uncooperative dog behind me.

...a few steps later...

The dog forgot about the cat. Everything is okay! I sniffed a tree! Then I peed on it! Then I got a treat for walking on a loose leash! My life rocks!

...half a block later -- 20 feet from home...

The dog saw a squirrel. In a tree, but only about 10 feet up the tree. That's practically catchable height in the dog's mind. So he launched himself into the air. I laughed, and then suddenly got turned around and pulled forward as the IDIOT SQUIRREL WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS A DEATH WISH ran down the tree (that's right. DOWN the tree. Up would have been much more useful) and across the grass to the next tree. About a foot away from the frantic dog. Who lunged at it a second too late (thankfully. I don't need to deal my dog eating all of the diseases it probably has), and then was horribly disappointed when it managed to get up the tree and run in circles about 5 feet off the ground staying about 6 inches in front of the dog's large teeth.

Altogether, a great way to wake up before I've had my tea. Though I'm forever grateful to my Gentle Leader as I would otherwise have been dragged through the streets of the South Side in pursuit of evil squirrels.

An Open Letter to the Chicago Cubs Starting Pitchers

Dear Starting Pitchers,

Please stop. Just stop. Kerry Wood's shoulder, Mark Prior's elbow, Ryan Dempster's meltdown vs. the White Sox. Everything.

Here's my advice to the pitching staff:

Kerry -- settle down. The world doesn't rest on your shoulders. Heal up, work with the pitching coach, and throw the game the catcher calls. It'll be okay. Don't try to over-prove yourself. You'll be okay.

Mark -- I understand that you're young and you don't want your arm to be permanently injured. As you've been hailed as the future of the franchise, I actually appreciate that attitude. That being said, CHANGE YOUR MECHANICS when the pitching coach says you need it. I realize that in 2003 everyone was telling you you had perfect mechanics. Articles were written with detailed drawings of every part of your delivery. But you've been injured since then. You threw for a full year on an injured ankle and with a sore elbow. LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE who are trying to help you. You'll be fine, just work with peole and don't lie to the media. If you don't know what's going on, say that you don't know what's going on. Let the organization lie if they want to,but you don't need to be under any more pressure than you already are.

Zambrano -- I love you. Don't change a thing. Just keep getting fired up, throwing hard and where Barrett wants it, and being the toughest pitcher in baseball. Don't get suspended though. Throwing at peoples' heads? Try to avoid that since we're down 3 starters already.

Maddux -- I love you, also. Just do your thing. But if you get bored, you know, winning every start? Maybe you could help Wood and Prior figure out how to be healthy for a little bit? Like, a season? Maybe? Or even just enough of a season to make the playoffs. I'm not greedy.

Thank you, Cubs Organization, for your attention. I don't want to have to lay the smack down, but you've been warned. Enough with the dicking around. It's time to justify these ticket prices. Mmmkay?


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