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2005-05-03 - 11:11 a.m.
Pigeon Poop Whenever I see fresh pigeon poop on the sidewalk, I have the following inner dialogue: -"Eeew! Poop! Uh-oh, I had better not step there in case it poops on my head."
-"It already pooped there! The odds of it pooping in the exact same place again have to be pretty low."
-"Oh no! So I'm in more danger each step I take away from the poop!"
-"Yes. But don't look up. Then the poop will fall in your face."
Why must paperwork be so hard?
Making sure my car's registration was up to date used to be so easy. I would remember which month was my grandpa's birthday and just make sure to get a new registration by the end of that month. Then we moved a few times. My car went from Michigan to Colorado to Illinois plates. And each time the registration expired in a different month. This January, our good car (the one my husband bought new right after graduating from college) got a ticket for having expired plates. I checked, and the plates had expired in JULY. But Mayor Daley got all freaked out about the city's budget shortfalls, and instead of firing the criminals involved in the city's Hired Truck Scandal he decided to ticket the living crap out of the city's residents. In the space of ONE WEEK (the time it took me to get to the Secretary of States office), we got THREE tickets. Last month, I got a notice for our crappy car saying that I should renew my plates. This is the 1995 Dodge Neon with 115,000 miles on it and no power steering. I was all for renewing the plates! Yay! Responsible me! No tickets! So I wrote the check, put everything together, and noticed two things.
1.) I needed to get some sticker number that would have involved my walking out to the car.
2.) "If payment is not received by 5/31/05, amount due increases to $98." Pop quiz! What do you deduce from these things?
a.) Payment is due on 5/31/05.
b.) It's okay to wait a little while to send this in.
c.) Your registration will expire at the end of April so get off your ass and send in the check. If you guessed option c, good job. If you guessed the other two, then you're me. Congrats. You now have your FOURTH ticket of 2005 for having expired plates. My husband was not happy, but being himself, he gets mad for about 10 minutes and then doesn't care. I got pissed, then cried because I'm such an idiot and we're never going to be able to buy a house because I'm too stupid to handle money and why do we have to have two stupid cars anyway when I don't even freaking drive more than about once a month and so on. I think I'm over it now, but it was a less-than-enjoyable night. Circle of Death Rules I'm not a huge fan of most drinking games. Contrary to how it must often look in this website, I don't really get drunk that often. I enjoy beer and have a fairly low tolerance for wine and hard liquor, but I really don't get out of control often at all. In fact, I've only thrown up due to excessive alcohol consumption once in my life. That being said, the one drinking game I adore is Circle of Death. I have wonderful memories from college and after. Hilarity ensued. I've found, though, that most people (even at the same college) play with slightly different rules. Here are the Official Rules if you're ever going to try to play with me. Because I'm not up for any of your crappy rules. Setup: Place a large cup in the center of the circle of people. spread a deck of cards face down (they should be old since you don't want to ruin a good deck and also well shuffled) around the cup. Everyone needs to have a beverage in front of them and easy access to more. It's best for all concerned if everyone is drinking the same thing, preferably beer, but it's up to the majority if someone can play with a wine cooler. Play: Each person draws one card as his/her turn comes around. Each card stands for a different rule as follows: 2 - the person who took the card gives out two drinks. Two to one person or one to two people. To anyone in the game, including him/herself.
3 - the card-taker gives out three drinks.
4 - whores. All women involved have to take a drink.
5 - everyone involved puts up their hand, palm outward. As if you're a 5-year old kid and someone asks you how old you are. The last person to get their hand up takes a drink.
6 - dicks. All men involved have to take a drink.
7 - ahead. The next person in the circle to draw has to take a drink.
8 - waterfall. Everyone in the circle has to drink. The card-taker can quit whenever he/she wants to, but everyone else in the circle has to wait until the person ahead of them is done. As soon as you take the bottle away from your lips, the next person in the circle is in charge of the length of the drink. This one can really screw the person on the end.
9 - nine nine bust a rhyme. The card-taker says a word. The next person in the circle has to say a word that rhymes with that word. It goes around the circle until someone either says a word that doesn't rhyme, can't think of a word, or says a word that has already been said.
10 - everyone involved puts their thumb on the table. The last person to get their thumb down takes a drink.
Jack - category. The card-taker says a category (for example: Simpsons characters, musical instruments, countries, state capitals, etc.) and starts it off by saying something within that category (Bart, trumpet, Tanzania, Springfield) and each person has to name something in that category. It goes around the circle until someone either says something that doesn't fit in the category, can't think of something, or says something that has already been said.
Queen - questions. The card-taker looks at someone in the circle and asks them a question. That person then has to look at someone in the circle and ask them a questions. You lose when you either answer a question that has been posed to you or are laughing so hard/so stupefied by what has been asked of you that you can't continue. Then you drink.
King - For the first three Kings, pour some of your beverage into the center cup. The fourth King drawn means you LOSE and have to drink whatever is in the cup. Game over.
Ace - This is the most fun if you're at all creative. The card-taker gets to make a rule that stays in play for the rest of the game. Anyone breaking the rule has to drink. A few examples: someone talkative has to be silent, every sentence has to end with the phrase "in my pants", etc. Be creative. It's more fun. Not A Good Feeling I went into a bathroom stall today and glanced at the toilet seat to make sure nothing majorly gross was on the seat. I didn't do a major toilet seat inspection because it's not like it's a gas station bathroom. It's in an office building with professionals and such. I didn't see anything so I sat my naked booty down on that seat and guess what happened next? That's right. WETNESS. On my thighs. I don't know if it was clear wetness and therefore nothing to worry about or yellow wetness and therefore pretty damn gross or other colored wetness which is too gross for me to even think about. Probably it was just spray kicked up from a flush, and I know that even if it was yellow, urine is technically sterile so I shouldn't freak out too much. But that is one of the worst surprises ever. Ick. Good thing? Bad thing? One of my husband's friends called him up last night to invite him to go to the Cubs/Brewers game in Milwaukee in Wednesday. He was being all wishy-washy and trying to decide if he could be ready to take his final Wednesday morning instead of Thursday. He told the friend he would call him back, asked me if I would be upset if he went (I said no -- my philosophy is that you go to any game you have a chance to), and decided to go. Mainly because of the time our freshman year in college when we wanted to go to a Cubs game, everyone else backed out because of finals, we didn't go, and then Kerry Wood struck out 20 Astros to tie the major league record. Oops. So, I'm glad for him. I'm also insanely jealous. And I'm terrified of the Cubs going into Milwaukee and sucking (you know, like they have been doing all season pretty much?). I need fewer emotions.
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