2005-04-08 - 7:03 p.m.
I have had too much wine. BEcause my husband said, "I don't like this wine. You have the rest." So I didt. Me! Most of a bottle of wine! I will save this section for tomorrow. Dammit, tomorrow me. You had better post this! Because your Readers have a right to know what you're Like when TIPSY. BIZATCH. YO.
Okay. It is tomorrow. I am calm.
Peeps? I have some issues. Like, that I save posts from random drunken times, and that I am a capitalization FIEND when drunk. One would think that I would press the Shift key less when drunk. But no, apparently intra-sentence capitalization is what I'm all about.
Hey, why do you have that huge bruise on your thigh?
Here's what my morning went like today:
4:30am - The phone rang. I sort of heard it, then had that fit of "OH NO, it's a huge emergency, someone died or is in the hospital!" that happens when the phone rings at wretched hours of the night. I got up and reached the phone right when it went over to the answering machine and no one left a message so I checked the caller ID. Hey, Lolitha Hill? Next time you call someone at 4:30 in the freaking morning, you might want to make sure you're dialing the right number. Because if you are not intimately involved in my life I'm going to be ALL KINDS OF PISSED when you wake me up.
6:00am - My alarm went off. I got up, went into the bathroom, pottied, and stood up. I got extremely dizzy and nauseous, and instead of doing what I usually* do in that situation and sitting the hell back down, I thought to myself, "I should go lie down in bed." So I started walking toward the bedroom and the next thing I knew I was lying naked (I had been attempting to take a shower) on the kitchen floor. And I had made a VERY LOUD bang when I hit the floor - loud enough to wake up my husband who can usually sleep though tornadoes and fireworks shows and such. That's right, I fainted. And I don't even have the Victorian excuse of tight corsets to use. My husband came out of the bedroom, asked if I was okay and if I had hit my head (no, I hadn't), and told the dog to get me something with sugar. The dog refused to comply, but I could tell I was feeling better because I laughed and asked for an apple. (My husband then got me grapefruit juice instead) Once I stood up, though, I realized that while I was intact and not seriously hurt, I had managed to bash the back of my thigh against the sharp corner of a little square footstool. So I have a SITTING DISABILITY. I am a freak. And it's going to be a beautiful bruise in a day or so, that's for sure.
The weird thing about fainting is that it's kinda like being drunk. If you've ever been so drunk that it feels really good to throw up, you'll understand the feeling. I went from dizzy and nauseous to awake and perky in about 5 minutes. With a little falling on the floor in the middle. So I then felt fine, so I got ready and went to work.
*That's right, I'm a fainter. It happens once in a while (maybe a couple times a year, but it had been a few years since the last time), but usually I can read the signs and sit down with my head between my legs. This is the only time I'm fallen from a standing position.
At work - My colleagues heard the story and all were horrified. "Why didn't you stay home?!?" I'm fine. Really. But thanks for being concerned! Oh, and when I grunt when I sit? It's because I WOUNDED MY SITTING AREA. Ack.
After work - I called my friend to tell her the story and her first words were, "So, how pregnant are you?" I'm not pregnant. Just faint-y and always hungry. So I can understand the suspicion, but the timing of my umm... cycle isn't conducive to that theory proving out. Plus, I would hope that my patch would have something to do with that.
A story even sadder than the one with the fainting:
Background: As you all may or may not know, I am a huge massive nerd when it comes to geography. It was my college major, and I'm pretty darn proud of the stuff I know. My husband is vastly smarter than I am when it comes to math, but I can hold my own with anything geographical.
The Story: I was playing around on the website of my favorite bar, and found this game. I knew I'd be damn good, so I started playing. And I got a 96% with an average error of 7 miles. That means I missed TWO states. And you know what they were? Iowa and Wyoming. Just you try placing those two states with nothing else around to give you hints. I rock!
So I wanted to get a screen shot to prove my amazing-ness. (Obviously. What would you have done?) Now, my husband's computer has some issues. It is a Sony Vaio and the keyboard is slowly shifting upward.** It's a bit like a fault line -- the function keys are right up against the frame of the computer, and so they can't be pushed down without getting stuck under the frame. They are then stuck in the pressed position until you can pop the plastic key cover off (and then you can't put it back on). I pushed the Ctrl + Alt + Print Screen buttons and the Print Screen button got stuck. I popped it out and tried pasting into a Word document. It didn't work, so I went back to the Mozilla page with wonderful score -- and suddenly it went back a page. Because it HATES ME. So now I only have my memories of that score...
**He bought the extended warranty from the online store because he bought the refurbished model. But we misplaced the paper they sent, and the craptastic company won't answer their phones. So at the moment we're screwed.
Cubs Update Du Jour
Latroy Hawkins? You SUCK ASS. FYM.*** Dusty Baker? Use someone else as a closer. PLEASE. I don't want to have to lay the smack down. You've been warned.
***look it up at urbandictionary.com -- I'm too pissed off to link.
previous - next