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2005-03-13 - 6:42 p.m.

Psychotic Much?

As I know I've mentioned before, I have an overactive imagination. Especially when it comes to disasters. I stay (relatively) sane by only imagining horrible things happening to other people -- and telling by brain to change the subject. This generally works (well, sort of works) as I'll transfer my fears of my husband getting in a car accident to being convinced that my dog got out of the house and got hit by a car. This way, I'm still miserable I'm just miserable in a less-bad way than I would be otherwise.

Sometimes, though, I end up in a horrible circle of misery thinking about the worst possible thing ever, telling myself not to, thinking about it more, thinking about not thinking about it, and so on.

Today I'm a bit emotionally fragile anyway. My husband's plane for Beijing leaves in 15 minutes and I haven't been able to think about it without having to fight tears. Mainly (I hope - because it's less freaky) because I love him and I'll miss him and 2 1/2 weeks seems like a really long time. I have stuff saved up to tell him every day after I've been at work for 8 hours, so 420 hours seems a bit impossible. But I also keep having plane-crash visions. This is odd since I'm not scared of flying at all -- I've done a lot of it, I enjoy it (to a point), I even think turbulence is kind of fun as long as I'm not in the bathroom. Perhaps I subconciously feel like dying is as bad as losing him? That sounds pathetic and scary so I don't think that. Nope.

A Conversation Between My Normal Brain and My Freaked-Out Brain

NB: Well, I hope he has so much fun! I'm glad he's got the digital camera because I wish I were going too.

F-OB: I put on chapstick right before I kissed him goodbye the last time! He hates the taste of chapstick! If his plan crashes, that's the last thing he'll remember!

NB: Umm... Shut up. I don't want to hear about crashing. Why would the plane crash now? People we know fly there weekly on business -- none of them have crashed.

F-OB: I had better check Google News to make sure his plane hasn't crashed. Oh, wait, it would probably be in the Chicago Tribune because it's out of Chicago and the rest of the country has other things that would be more important.* And what if he gets the avian flu! It has a 75% mortality rate!

NB: You're an idiot. His plane hasn't even taken off yet. GAWD, IDIOT.**

*Notice the Midwestern inferiority complex I seem to have even when freaking out? I'm sure a plane crash wouldn't make national news? I'm crazy.

**Said Napoleon Dynamite-style.


That was written on Friday, but it's just been too crazy around here to post.

I'm feeling better. He emailed me (Saturday morning since the flight was 18 freaking hours) and let me know he got there alive. Then he emailed me later in the day to let me know he had slept and had already gone shopping and bought my present! Yay! He probably just told me that because he knows I can't deal with not knowing what I'm getting. He loves to get me birthday presents months early so he can laugh at me being all antsy.

I miss him though. The weekend was too crazy to have much of a chance to sit down and feel sorry for myself. I had my family in town and was having a great time showing them around. We ate at lots of yummy restaurants and it was so fun to see them. Then on Sunday a friend came with me to a ton of homebrewing club fun while we helped (perhaps that should be written "helped" as it was all-grain brewing that I have no experience with) brew 65 gallons of a kick-ass stout.

Now I'm alone except for the sweet dog. He loved seeing all of the new people, but I think he's as tired as I am right now.

I just want to cuddle with him on the couch while we pretend we're not lonely.

I sound so pathetic. And thinking more about it, I am. I have a theory on why it's not such a bad thing though:

If we didn't have such a happy marriage I wouldn't be so sad to see him leave. People who mention how much they love their time alone, need lots of nights out along, blah and so on, make me sad. I mean, we're coming up quick on our 2 year anniversary and we had been together exclusively for 6 years before that, so it's not like we're honeymooning still. But even when I'm having a great time with my other friends, I still end up feeling like I miss him and want to share the fun with him.

Now that I've whined enough for weeks, I'm going to watch nerdy shows on TiVo and save up my interesting writing for the future.

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